Being Transparent.

"Brokenness, brokenness, is what I long for. Brokenness, brokenness is what I need."

The familiar words were sung with enthusiasm last Sunday, as inside I prayed "Yes, Lord, brokenness. Because how can I serve You otherwise?" And then I spoke the words I have so often spoken the past few years: Mold me, make me.

How quickly you can build up a façade for yourself. How easy it is for me to totally fake something I am so accustomed to. How simple it seems to speak, pray, and sing words that are empty. I did not really want brokenness. I did not really want to submit, and be molded to Christ's character. I wanted to feel righteous, and put in the effort I thought was needed in order to feel fulfilled for the week. So I could check off my little mental box.

How surprised was I when things around me started to break. When my character was questioned, when I was forced to examine my heart, when relationships were altered,  and when I suddenly realized the false face I had been wearing all week.

How quickly did deception set in. How easily did I allow it. How afraid am I of the sin in my very own heart.

A follower of my blog asked me on Wednesday when I would be writing a new post. Apparently he has virtually no life, and has been waiting. ;) I struggled since then with what to write, knowing what I needed to face but unwilling to admit my failure. Lines from the aforementioned song ran through my head over and over again as I tried to think of another idea -- ANY other idea. Being honest and vulnerable is terrifying. But, I would contend, absolutely necessary.

So, sweet human reading this: be vulnerable. Speak out. When you struggle - talk about it. When you see yourself begin to slip - admit it. Reach out before you close up and get stuck inside your own sinful heart. And remember that you can always always always turn around. Turn back and run with enthusiasm toward Christ. Because He can use the brokenness you find yourself in. He alone can make it beautiful. He wants to, beloved. He wants your brokenness, your shame, your sin, your mistakes - because He is going to use them to glorify Himself in ways you can't imagine.

I found myself tired of putting forth effort. I wanted to be lazy and uncaring in my relationships. I was done with actually trying to have meaningful, edifying ones. And I was frustrated with how hard it seemed to be to maintain a growing one with Christ. The time and strength and desire it needed I no longer wanted to muster. So, I read my Streams in the Desert, and some little devotional about Elisha. But I wasn't trying. I was just doing it out of guilt. I am so shocked, sitting here writing this, at the state my heart was in. And I am also surprised at how quickly things can change. How great one week can be compared to the next.

Grace is my favorite thing. Fresh starts and beginning again completely clean every time I realize and admit and walk away from my failure. Yes, relationships take effort. The best ones take the most. Time invested is necessary, and can be immensely enjoyable with the right mindset.

Aside from Christ I am nothing. I am continually amazed by His forgiveness and unfailing love.

How, Father, do You have the patience to time and time again pick me up - knowing that I will end up in the same place yet again? How do You truly forgive me for sinning against you - while still knowing it will happen again? How do You love me, with so much sin still in my heart? How do You see Your Son in this corrupt human? Thank you, thank you, thank you. For grace and a new beginning today and tomorrow and the next day. Thank you for teaching me, and bringing me back into Your presence through breaking me down. Mold me, make me. There is a heart willing to change behind those words this time. A heart that belongs to You, and is overjoyed by Your presence.

"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my concerns. See if there is any offensive way in me; lead me in the everlasting way."