Love, vow renewals, and Lewis.

 

Let's talk about love.

First, lets talk about my parent's love. A love that has lasted through 20 years of marriage. A love that drove my dad to plan (since February) a surprise vow renewal ceremony for my mom.  

 

 

Tannin provided quite a bit of entertainment by scooting on his back across the floor:

 

She really enjoyed it. She laughed. She cried. She continues to cry when she thinks about it. We were able to keep it all a complete secret (which is astonishing if you know my mom at all).

 

Got this shot of Ollie and my little Rose:

 

It was a bitter sweet day. I got to be a part of a huge romantic gesture with my dad. I got to be a part of making my mom feel loved and joyful. I participated in a celebration of their long lasting love, but then a couple hours later had to say good-bye to my love for a week.

So. Lets continue to talk about love. :)

Love in the form of a boy (a man, rather) named Lewis.

Lewis and I met in the coffee shop that I work at. He was (and still is...haha) a regular. I saw him most every morning.

(A very important side note at this time would be that he only ever drinks black coffee. That's my kind of man. Its actually 50% of the reason I'm dating him...but I'm jumping ahead. Lewis, every morning, coffee.)

He would have these deep conversations with my pastor about Christ and the word, asking practical questions to get a second or third opinion. I started learning about his personality and his character, little by little, and began to very much look forward to his morning visits.

One Thursday my whole family was in the shop (as per usual on a this particular day of the week), and Lewis started talking to my little brother. They literally talked for 30 minutes about lasers. 30. Minutes. This captain in the Army, an engineer none-the-less, talked to my (then) 6 year old brother for half an hour about lasers and weapons and science and light and who knows what.

Wyatt was in heaven. And so were mom and I. I basically decided that I wanted to marry him. Wyatt is my kid - he's my baby. Any man who treats him with that patience and enthusiasm and love the first time he meets him - that's someone I could spend my life with.So, Lewis kind of became a family friend. He would come in to the shop on Thursdays and hangout with Wyatt and Garrett, and I would see and talk to him most other mornings as well. We (my family and I) decided we were keeping him, whether he actually decided to pursue me or not.

Both of us ended up seeing\going out with other people during the summer. He stopped coming in the shop as much, and I went to serve at Camp. But, this August he started coming in again. And we started hanging out. He took my whole family out to dinner, him and Garrett and I went to the gun range, we all went out for froyo. One night, while fishing, he asked me (very concerned) if he had ever sent me mixed signals. I basically said yes. But then I explained that I didn't think he meant to. He'd been referring to me as his little sister, but my mom (and good friend Angie) kept telling me how interested he was in me (which was apparently evident in his actions). So I told him that the mixed signals\emotions that I was receiving\feeling were probably not his fault. All he got out of it was that my mom and Angie had been approaching our friendship as if there was a possibility for a relationship there.

Silly boy. Of course there was.

He was texting me about it on my drive home, and called Angie to talk to her about her thoughts (keep in mind its 11pm at this point). After talking through the idea with Angie, he called me and talked until 12. He said he wanted to take a few days to pray about it, and that he just had no idea that I was interested and that this was an option.

Well. No one had an idea that I was interested, except for my mom and Angie. I didn't think it was going to happen, so I just didn't talk about it. Anyways, after texting Angie for about 30 minutes, I got 3 hours of sleep before getting up and going to work. He took a few days, asked a few people he respected for their thoughts, prayed a ton, and took me on a real date. We spent a couple days hanging out and talking through how it would work logically (he is 9 years older than me, and was getting ready to leave in a month to be stationed at Ft. Drum, and we just weren't sure if this was God's timing or plan). On Saturday we took a road trip to Pensacola to see Angie and her husband Casey, and when we sat down in his truck he declared that we should call our relationship what it was - a relationship. We would figure out the ins and outs and timing and logical side. But we wanted to be together, and we both felt peace about it and each other.

I called mom while he was pumping gas and basically told her, "He finally caught up with the rest of us." :)

So, on this Saturday we will have been dating for a month. He is so so good to me. He respects me, he cherishes me, he prays over me and for me constantly, he asks me daily if there is anything he could be doing to make me feel more loved, he brings me chocolate, he makes me laugh, he loves my family, he respects my dad, he wants to spend every second with me, he makes me feel comfortable and safe and secure, he makes me want to love Christ more every day, he teaches me and is patient with me and loves me. He is wonderful. And every one should be jealous, because I got the best one. :) He is an excellent leader and speaker, he is smart and intentional and gentle with his words and actions. I absolutely don't deserve him. God is SO so good to me. He is the ultimate provider. He loves us more than we could ever love each other. He provided this relationship to make us stronger and more Christ-like, and our prayer is that He would be glorified in every thing we say and do.

So, ladies, girls, females - though I stand by my previous statement (that I got the best one) there are indeed men worth holding out for! :) Some of you might find that shocking, but I now know it to be true. Please, please, please - don't settle. There are men who will plan, for months, a surprise vow renewal for your 20th wedding anniversary. Who will call their middle daughter every day for weeks with a new idea and a question about progress on said surprise. And there are men who will want to protect your heart and love you like Christ.

Wait. Its worth it.

 

 

Alana Rose

Alana Rose Reimer

August 5th, 2015

11:25 am

7lbs. 10 oz.

20 in. long

 

 

She's got her mama's fat earlobes and hairy monkey head.

Its perfect.

 



Fingers so wrinkly you'll think she's part elephant.

 

Being an auntie is my favorite thing, and these two little perfect kiddos my sister has had make it so easy to love.

 

Darling Rose girl, I simply cannot wait to watch you grow up. To see your personality develop, to learn what you like and don't like. I am so very excited for your future - you have so much to experience and learn. I'll try not to call you hairy monkey baby for long, and I will eventually stop pointing out your perfectly chubby earlobes and wrinkly, wrinkly fingers. I didn't know I had enough room in my heart to love you this much - especially after your big brother basically stole the whole thing. I'm going to need more than one I think, if your mom keeps having perfect children. I cannot wait for you to get to know our Father, to love Him and learn about who He is and His love for you. You are sweet and precious and cherished and beautiful. Life is tough, but you're going to knock it out of the park. I love you more than I can express.

CV 2015, a.k.a nanny life.

Camp Victory has been my home for a while. Years. It is somewhere I am safe and comfortable and confident. Surrounded by friends who have become family, and a staff that has been essential to my growth in Christ. A while back I was really torn between committing to work this summer and staying in town for the job I'm in-love with. My boss was super gracious in telling me to follow the Lord, and do what I needed to - my job would be here when I got back. So after prayer and many conversations, I decided to go. But not as a counselor, and not for the whole summer. I would be filling a new position (the official title being 'Assistant to the Office Assistant'), for the month of July. Essentially a glorified nanny. :) I was excited! Catching tadpoles, watching Tom & Jerry, playing in kiddie pools and mud and doing what a 5 and 3 year old boy would do. That was my job description. Definitely something I can handle. But somewhere in my heart impatience was growing. And as much as a blessing as those two sweet boys can be, my sweet Savior has been teaching me and trying to grow my stubborn heart. I miss home so much when I'm gone (only a week at a time!), the coffee shop, my family. I struggle to pour my energy into the boys and focus on being with them, because I keep wanting to be somewhere else. It doesn't help that I don't see the other staff members nearly as much. But. Its now the end of week 7, tomorrow will begin week 8, technically the end of my second week and beginning of my third. And the longer I'm there, the better it gets. I'm half way through my time there, and I'm starting to feel emotional about it ending! I'm ready, don't get me wrong. But, I'm not completely joyful about it either. Its bittersweet, and that's good. As usual Jesus has been so faithful to me, so consistent and gracious. He has been right next to me through every struggle my heart has had. Shocker. :)

So here's to the next two weeks!

 

Also, I took these pictures of my gorgeous sister and her pregnant belly. So excited to meet my niece. She's going to be a beaut.  

 

She's a wonderful mom.

The Never-ending Story

The unanswered question, the continual desire, the ultimate idea.

Africa.

Or maybe better phrased: Africa?

Or even: China? Scotland? Please some other country than America, and some other purpose than making lattes (this is a joke, because I rather enjoy my job)?

 

I know that missions is the Lord's will. I know that I am financially and physically capable of going. I know I have the time, the desire, and the support system. I know that I love the Lord and want to do His will. I know that I would be well within His will by going and doing. But, as I am learning, there is a difference between being in the Lord's will and in the Lord's plan. And I want so badly to stay in the Lord's plan.

 

So then, I ask myself all the time, why cant I go?

So then, I ask my Father, why aren't You letting me?

 

I could, very easily, fill out an application and jump on a plane. But, every time I get close to doing so, my sweet gracious amazing Christ says gently, "No. Not yet." Ok then, when? Why not now? What am I doing here? 

 

These questions, however, are not answered. The only answer I am given is, "Stay still. Learn contentment. I have provided for you thus far, and I will continue to. Be faithful in what I have given you for this step. Forget what society thinks and expects. Focus in on Me alone, and be faithful, beloved."

 

Which, if we are going to be honest here, is more than I could ever possibly deserve. The God of the universe is concerned enough with my struggles and my heartache that He time and time and freaking time again tells me lovingly to stop and be still. How could I have become so cold to that? So accustomed to knowing what He is speaking into my life that I forget how completely incredible it is - no matter what He is actually saying! Oh, to be loved and cherished by such a patient Creator and Lord in this way. Its my favorite thing ever. :)

 

Sweet words from a dear friend last night spoke very clearly to my heart, and directly into this situation: "Stay the course." Stay on the path, keep sight of the goal, continue one step at a time, be faithful in each day.

 

I am still frustrated. I feel stuck some days. Alright, lets not kid, sometimes its most days. I am antsy, and discontent. But, I'm beginning to believe those are the very reasons I am still here. He is still teaching me and growing me. So, like Mumford & Sons said very repetitively: I will wait. And I will (try) to learn to love the skies I'm under. (Also Mumford, sorry, I'm on a roll...)

 

"Drudgery is the test of genuine character. ... I must realize that my obedience even in the smallest detail of life has all the omnipotent power of the grace of God behind it." Oswald Chambers

 

"Spiritual desires are the shadows of coming blessing. What God intends to give us He first sets us longing for. Hence the wonderful efficiency of prayer, because prayer is the embodiment of a longing inspired of God because He intends to bestow blessing. What are thy longings then, dear hearer?" - Charles Spurgeon

 

Being Transparent.

"Brokenness, brokenness, is what I long for. Brokenness, brokenness is what I need."

The familiar words were sung with enthusiasm last Sunday, as inside I prayed "Yes, Lord, brokenness. Because how can I serve You otherwise?" And then I spoke the words I have so often spoken the past few years: Mold me, make me.

How quickly you can build up a façade for yourself. How easy it is for me to totally fake something I am so accustomed to. How simple it seems to speak, pray, and sing words that are empty. I did not really want brokenness. I did not really want to submit, and be molded to Christ's character. I wanted to feel righteous, and put in the effort I thought was needed in order to feel fulfilled for the week. So I could check off my little mental box.

How surprised was I when things around me started to break. When my character was questioned, when I was forced to examine my heart, when relationships were altered,  and when I suddenly realized the false face I had been wearing all week.

How quickly did deception set in. How easily did I allow it. How afraid am I of the sin in my very own heart.

A follower of my blog asked me on Wednesday when I would be writing a new post. Apparently he has virtually no life, and has been waiting. ;) I struggled since then with what to write, knowing what I needed to face but unwilling to admit my failure. Lines from the aforementioned song ran through my head over and over again as I tried to think of another idea -- ANY other idea. Being honest and vulnerable is terrifying. But, I would contend, absolutely necessary.

So, sweet human reading this: be vulnerable. Speak out. When you struggle - talk about it. When you see yourself begin to slip - admit it. Reach out before you close up and get stuck inside your own sinful heart. And remember that you can always always always turn around. Turn back and run with enthusiasm toward Christ. Because He can use the brokenness you find yourself in. He alone can make it beautiful. He wants to, beloved. He wants your brokenness, your shame, your sin, your mistakes - because He is going to use them to glorify Himself in ways you can't imagine.

I found myself tired of putting forth effort. I wanted to be lazy and uncaring in my relationships. I was done with actually trying to have meaningful, edifying ones. And I was frustrated with how hard it seemed to be to maintain a growing one with Christ. The time and strength and desire it needed I no longer wanted to muster. So, I read my Streams in the Desert, and some little devotional about Elisha. But I wasn't trying. I was just doing it out of guilt. I am so shocked, sitting here writing this, at the state my heart was in. And I am also surprised at how quickly things can change. How great one week can be compared to the next.

Grace is my favorite thing. Fresh starts and beginning again completely clean every time I realize and admit and walk away from my failure. Yes, relationships take effort. The best ones take the most. Time invested is necessary, and can be immensely enjoyable with the right mindset.

Aside from Christ I am nothing. I am continually amazed by His forgiveness and unfailing love.

How, Father, do You have the patience to time and time again pick me up - knowing that I will end up in the same place yet again? How do You truly forgive me for sinning against you - while still knowing it will happen again? How do You love me, with so much sin still in my heart? How do You see Your Son in this corrupt human? Thank you, thank you, thank you. For grace and a new beginning today and tomorrow and the next day. Thank you for teaching me, and bringing me back into Your presence through breaking me down. Mold me, make me. There is a heart willing to change behind those words this time. A heart that belongs to You, and is overjoyed by Your presence.

"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my concerns. See if there is any offensive way in me; lead me in the everlasting way."

College? What?

"So…didn't you graduate? What school are you going to? Are you taking online classes? You're going to college eventually, right?"

 

People look at me strange when I tell them I'm not going to college, and even stranger when I tell them that as of this moment - I have no plans to. When did it become socially unacceptable to NOT go to college? When did it become the norm to go and spend tens of thousands of dollars on school, only to (in most cases I know of) never use the degree? Yes, college is *wonderful* for some people. I have several friends going, and loving it and enjoying it, and learning so much. Why has it has been so incredibly difficult to stand alone, and stay behind, and choose something different? I doubt myself constantly. I struggle with concerns that I wont be successful, that I'm wasting time, that I wont be smart enough to support myself, that I just have no direction, that my intentions for staying home were wrong. I have cried and stressed over my decision quite a lot. I did not make it out of laziness, and I have come to the conclusion that I am absolutely not wasting my time. I am waiting on the Lord. And learning patience - which is a painful process. My biggest fear is that I will grow complacent and lazy, and that I will begin to ignore the Lord calling me to move. But I am trying to train my mind and heart to take life one day at a time. To have goals is a good thing, and I do have goals, but I cannot control where my life goes AT ALL - and I DON’T want to! I  want to be ready to jump the minute He says to, and until then I will continue struggling through being patient with Him. I get so wrapped up in my own idea of timing, and how short life is, and how time sensitive most decisions are. I forget that He literally created me from nothing, and for some reason He loves me. He does care, He is paying attention. He has this incredible perfect plan, and I'm so anxious to start living it I forget that I'm living it RIGHT NOW. In this moment, in the season I'm in. I'm not living for the future. No part of it is in my control. I am in charge of doing what I can and know that I need to do with the time given to me in THIS moment. In THIS day.

That being said, I'll fill you in on what I AM doing. While I was praying through the decision to stay home after graduation I was called by the man who is now both my boss and pastor, and offered a job at his coffee shop. If you knew me at all then, you would know how ecstatic I was. This is the coffee shop that I adore, that I always dreamed about working at. I wanted to be the cute little barista on the other side of the counter who could whip you up the perfect latte. Still, I didn't say yes right away. I took a day or two to talk to my parents and pray about it, knowing that this would mean staying home for at least a little while longer. I called Stephen back, let him know about my summer plans to work at Camp Victory, and he was willing to work with me. He offered me the 'extra person' morning shift on the weeks I was home, with the probability of moving to afternoons in the fall. Let me tell you - that job has been the biggest blessing, and having Stephen as a boss has been wonderful. He is gracious and encouraging, and has set the standard for bosses very high. Like I said, I worked mornings first (during which I got to know the hilarious, fantastic, lovely Bekah) and then I moved to afternoons. I was a little upset about the shift change at first (its slower and friendless) but it has actually been awesome. I have 4 hours set aside every day with not much going on, and I have grown closer to the Lord through Bible study in that time than I ever thought I would.

 

I also volunteer. When I first talked to mom about not going to college, she had 2 conditions. I was not allowed to sit at home, and she really wanted me to find volunteer work. So, I called a couple places in Dothan to see what my options were. I wanted to be a part of Girls Inc. (an after school program for girls) but had also called Wiregrass Hope Group as my backup. Mom and I took a morning to go and talk to the people in charge of both organizations and pick up applications. Because I was more excited about Girls Inc., we looked for it first. However, for some reason mom took the wrong turn and we ended up closer to WHG - so we stopped there first. We walked in at an awkward time, and a lady who does not usually catch the door greeted us. She had the best sense of humor and immediately set me at ease. It just so happened that she (Sharon) was a member of the church we had been visiting the past few Sundays. And it just so happened that they just lost one of their consistent volunteers because she graduated and Sharon had been praying for someone to fill her spot. AND it just so happened that there was a huge annual event coming up that she would need help with. And then, when I've already pretty much decided that God is all but slapping me in the face with 'coincidences', we went to take a tour of the building and who turns the corner but someone from Camp Victory. He is a pastor in Dothan who came to camp as a speaker, and also volunteers his time at WHG. As mom and I walked out to the van I looked at her and said, "Wow. This is were I need to be. Let's go home." I have gotten so close to the ladies there, and it has been awesome to have such Godly women interested in talking to me and praying for me and encouraging me.

 

So in the mornings I'm at Wiregrass, doing whatever they need me too (which ranges from building shelves and changing tables to burning paper or writing thank-you notes), and in the afternoons I'm at Boldly Going drinking way too much coffee and making money while I read my Bible. The Lord has been SO gracious. He is the ultimate provider. I am so confused as to why He loves me, and why He cares, but so inexpressibly thankful that He does. I frequently lose hope. I frequently doubt and get angry, And EVERY TIME He is faithful in reminding me of my purpose. Reminding me that my perspective is miniscule, reminding me that life is not what I think it is. He forgives me so willingly, and grows me so tenderly.

I do not have plans for the next year. I'm still trying to decide what I'm doing this summer. But everything this past year has seriously been handed to me. God made it obvious this year where I was supposed to be, what I was supposed to be doing, and who I was supposed to be around. Because of that - I am waiting. I am waiting to follow His direct order, even if it takes longer than I thought it would. I will continue to deal with strange looks, and constant questions about college. I will try to doubt Him less often, and submit more often. He has provided everything for me to be where I am right now. And until He tells me to move, this is where I am. Working and growing and learning more about His character and my sinful nature, and how to be obedient, and what it means to be patient with God.

 

Please do not think that you offended me if you asked me about my future. I know that it is a question meant out of love and genuine curiosity, and that any suggestions you gave where for the same reasons. Which is why I will continue to answer as best I can. I only get frustrated when college is made to sound like my only option, because I KNOW that it isn't. It is simply ONE option. And, quite frankly, the last one on my list.

 

And if you are struggling with deciding if you should go to college or not - pray about it. Ask God to graciously open doors and make it obvious to you where you should go. For some, college is definitely the answer. But if you know it isn't - do not listen to the world for one millisecond. You follow Christ, which means laying down your life and going directly against the culture and the norm. Own it. :)

 

 

And please, continue to pray for me. Pray that God would make His plan obvious, and that my stubborn spirit wouldn't hinder it. Pray that I will use my time of waiting wisely, and that I will be ready when He says, "Ok, Shelby. This is it. Jump."

Isaiah 55:8-9
2Corinthians 12:9
Proverbs 3:5-6
Psalm 27:14