Married Life.

Marriage is much messier than I expected.
And John Legend knows more about it than I ever gave him credit for.

I've been trying to figure out for a few weeks now what to write about. I wanted to be vulnerable about marriage and what I'm learning, but I couldn't put it into words. And this morning I was all emotional and listening to emotional girl music while I got ready for the day, and John Legend's "All of Me" came on. A song I've heard a thousand times, and can sing along to almost word for word. But I didn't realize how beautifully accurate it was. I'll post some lyrics to give you an example: 

"What would I do without your smart mouth? Drawing me in, and you kicking me 

out. You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down. What's going on in that 

beautiful mind? I'm on your magical mystery ride, And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright." 

I realized this morning that this must be exactly how Lewis feels. On a daily basis. So in love with me, and so very utterly confused at the same time. But the weird thing is that this is how I feel about myself also! My guess is as good as his most days. I thought I knew myself so much better than I do. I thought I was so much more prepared for this than I was. 

Marriage is teaching me so much about myself, is what I'm rambling on about. And I didnt expect that, really. My heart is so confusing. I'm hot and then cold, and upset for no reason I can think of, and annoyed, and mad at myself. And when I'm mad and annoyed with myself, obviously I blame my husband who is dying to himself daily to love me better.
Because that makes the most sense.
Right?

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?

To be totally vulnerable - I have had moments of complete brokenness. I have sobbed in this man's arms more in the past two months than I ever have in such a short time before. One of my favorite parts of this song says, "My head's under water, But I'm breathing fine. You're crazy and I'm out of my mind."I laugh almost every time I sing it. Because both of us must think we're crazy. I know I think I'm crazy. This is such a messy relationship. Its so extremely intimately close, so intense, so raw and real, and constant. And theres no way to prepare for it, or have it figured out, or always be logical and patient (unless you're my husband, but I'm pretty sure he is definitely one of a kind). 

I have gone through so much self doubt and insecurity, and communication shut downs. I have been face-to-face with so many ugly, gross, sinful parts of my heart. I am learning so much about what I really actually deeply believe about God's character, personality, and grace. 

I'm not saying that everyone goes through this. I could definitely be the only one, because I actually am an emotional mess most days. Even before marriage. But, I do know that without a doubt, everyone will tell you, marriage is hard. Its beautiful and worth it, and hard and breaks you as it builds you. 

"'Cause all of me, loves all of you. Love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections. Give your all to me - I'll give my all to you. You're my end and my beginning, Even when I lose I'm winning. 'Cause I give you all of me, And you give me all of you."

For better, or more often some weeks, worse. We're committed. All of me loves him. And all of him loves me, even when I make his head spin. And we're figuring it out, and figuring me out slowly on our way. "Risking it all though its hard." 

Why am I not enough?

Why am I not enough?

This question has been racing through my head for weeks now. It has, at times during this current trial, consumed me. Why? What about me isn't enough? What should I change? How can I fix myself and be better? Phrase it how you will - it has been eating me alive. It has seeped into every crevice of my heart as I have let Satan speak lies and pride into my life. 

Why am I not enough? 

I would very much like to play victim sometimes. I want to be allowed to feel hurt and offended. And while there are times when those feelings are totally justified - how much more beautiful is it to praise Christ? To turn our hearts to Him. Not to ourselves. To look up and out and not revel in our hurt. I have allowed myself too long to live in this sadness. To question my worth in other peoples eyes. How prideful I have been. I have put focus on myself instead of bringing glory to God by praising in the refining fire He lovingly sends!

Why am I not enough? 

The root of this question is not actually about questioning myself.  It is the manifestation of my heart asking 'Why is Christ not enough?' And oh what a dangerous, prideful question to ask. A question that steals God's glory, and causes doubt in others. 

Here is the answer. 

Simply because: I am NOT enough. 

I'm not. And the moment I would start thinking I am is the moment I no longer rely on Christ. When has the Word ever said we are enough? We can do nothing good enough to cover our sin, we cannot have righteousness apart from God, and we can have no relationship with God apart from His perfect Son, Jesus Christ. We aren't enough. And we never will be. And guess what? 

Here's the mic drop. 

Because. It's. Not. About. Us. 

Its not about our hurt, or our trial, or our heart, or our life, or our anything. Our lives are about loving Christ, and bringing God glory. The end. 

The moment we put the focus on ourselves, is the moment we let Satan win. We let him get in our minds, and speak into our lives. We take the focus off of Christ, and Christ's sacrifice and love and grace and forgiveness and power. How heartbreaking to realize. 

Trials produce character and help to conform our hard stubborn hearts into the heart of Christ. They make us depend on God, trust Him, truly worship Him, and love Him and others more deeply. They are gifts. They are messy, hard, beautiful gifts. Praise God! Oh, how He loves us. To desire so deeply to teach us and change us and help us to grow. To send refining fire. Great is His faithfulness! 

I am weary. I am hurt. 

But I am so thankful. 

So thankful that God loves me so extremely much. To be patient with me while I struggle through self doubt. To gently refocus my mind. To glorify Himself in my life. In my life. He wants to use me?! He is slowly, and painfully, making every part of my heart bow the knee. He is good, good Father. And I am astounded by His faithful love. 

So, loved one, you are not enough. But praise God for that! Because He is. And He uses your weakness to show His strength and provision. How loving and awesome is that?

P.S.

Can I just say that I'm marrying the coolest, Godliest man like ever? He is so so good, and loves me like Christ loves the church. He is so patient and encouraging and faithful. He protects me, and stands up for my heart, and leads me with such grace that I can only admire him and praise God for the fruit of His faithfulness to us. Lewis, babe, you are a good and Godly man, and I cannot wait to be your wife, and serve this awesome Father alongside you. 

Isaiah 26:3 

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." 

Psalm 18:28-30

"For it is You who lights my lamp, the Lord my God lightens my darkness. For by You I can run against a troop, and by God I can leap over a wall. This God - His way is perfect. The Word of the Lord proves true. He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him."

Isaiah 43:1-2
"But now thus says the Lord, He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you."

Growing Pains

"Change is never easy. You fight to hold on. You fight to let go."

I am currently sitting in an airport. My flight from Syracuse to Birmingham has been delayed twice now, from 5:45 to 7:00 to 9:00. But I’m actually extremely thankful for that. Because God’s timing is better than mine or Delta’s. He knows way better than we do how to schedule our days. I really needed these few hours. To spend time in His word with my Dunkin’ Donuts’ coffee, and to write this out. So as to verbally process my feelings in a way that conveys them clearly to you – the sweet person who took time out of their day to read my rambling blog about my crazy heart.

I am, as previously mentioned, flying home from New York today. For those who don’t know, Lewis is stationed at Ft. Drum near Watertown, NY, so for the first year or two of our marriage we will be living here. I’ve been here for 11 days, and I am so in love with the snow and the people and the downtown area that I feel quite torn about leaving. I’ve been processing a lot of torn feelings this week. It all came to the surface when Lewis was kissing me goodnight one evening and I started crying. Poor thing. Sweet man that he is though, he just pulled me closer and held me while I cried and tried to vocalize feelings that even I didn’t fully understand at the time.

I think I’ve summed them up fairly well now in a few terms. One of which is the title of this post – “Growing Pains.” It’s the joy and pain of a transition. As we got into a rhythm in Watertown, meeting for lunch (nothing is sweeter than meeting your soldier for lunch, and nothing is hotter than Lewis in uniform), going to Navigators and other Bible studies, sight seeing, having date nights (such a blessing to have the time for those again), it began to sink in more and more that this was my new home. Which is incredibly exciting! But oh-so terrifying. And I began to feel lonely. Lonely for my people and my places. Lonely for my family and the rhythm of my life and my town. I am going into this new season with my best friend, and my Lord and Savior and Rock, and those two facts are the greatest comfort I have – but I still get swept up into this fear and uncertainty. Yes, I said ‘get’ - present tense. I’m still working through this. And I think I will have to learn it as I go.

I’m really struggling to hold back tears as I write this, for related but slightly different reasons. I had to leave the love of my life, my teammate and closest confidant, back in the cute little town where I’ll live in a couple of months. ‘Torn in two’ is the second of the terms I’ve been thinking about, because my heart feels very torn in two. Two pieces of my life, very big ones mind you, are separated by a good bit of distance. “Home isn’t the place you live, it’s where the people you love are.”

I have two homes. And I am having a very hard time feeling whole.

At which point of breaking down what I am feeling, my sweet, loving Father is reminding me how to be content, and how to trust Him. How He is my home, how He never changes, He is constant and loving and a rock and shield for the weak. How He has a perfect plan, and supplies my joy and peace. He is teaching me to love Him first, with my heart, mind, soul, and strength.

All of these feelings come in waves. Sometimes big ones that knock me over unexpectedly. I don’t think I’m going to figure this one out. I don’t think I am going to be able to change my mindset, and adjust my focus effectively. But I also don’t think I have to. Or want to. This is where I am right now. And God is taking care of my heart. I am not worried about the end goal. And I am so certain of His love and protection.

I don’t want to get used to saying good-bye to people I love. I don’t want it to get easy. I don’t want to become callous to leaving my homes.

I was talking with a sweet friend last night, she was checking on me, knowing that I would be saying goodbye to Lewis in just a few hours. I tried to say “Oh I’m ok, I’m getting used to it.” Because that’s what people want to hear. And that’s what made me feel strong in that moment. It was prideful - and it was false. She quickly responded with, “Don’t feel like you have to say that. Every time my husband or I leave each other – it only gets harder to say goodbye.” Man, did that resonate with me. I cry more, and earlier on, each time Lewis and I say goodbye. But that’s good. The more time I spend with him, the stronger our bond becomes and the harder it is to leave the other part of me somewhere else. To not have him around anymore hurts more and more. And I’m thankful for that. I’m glad I love him like that.

Transitions are hard. Change and growth are hard. But my support team in this adventure is pretty stellar – and I’m ecstatic just as much as I’m terrified. It’s a balance. ;)

Love, vow renewals, and Lewis.

 

Let's talk about love.

First, lets talk about my parent's love. A love that has lasted through 20 years of marriage. A love that drove my dad to plan (since February) a surprise vow renewal ceremony for my mom.  

 

 

Tannin provided quite a bit of entertainment by scooting on his back across the floor:

 

She really enjoyed it. She laughed. She cried. She continues to cry when she thinks about it. We were able to keep it all a complete secret (which is astonishing if you know my mom at all).

 

Got this shot of Ollie and my little Rose:

 

It was a bitter sweet day. I got to be a part of a huge romantic gesture with my dad. I got to be a part of making my mom feel loved and joyful. I participated in a celebration of their long lasting love, but then a couple hours later had to say good-bye to my love for a week.

So. Lets continue to talk about love. :)

Love in the form of a boy (a man, rather) named Lewis.

Lewis and I met in the coffee shop that I work at. He was (and still is...haha) a regular. I saw him most every morning.

(A very important side note at this time would be that he only ever drinks black coffee. That's my kind of man. Its actually 50% of the reason I'm dating him...but I'm jumping ahead. Lewis, every morning, coffee.)

He would have these deep conversations with my pastor about Christ and the word, asking practical questions to get a second or third opinion. I started learning about his personality and his character, little by little, and began to very much look forward to his morning visits.

One Thursday my whole family was in the shop (as per usual on a this particular day of the week), and Lewis started talking to my little brother. They literally talked for 30 minutes about lasers. 30. Minutes. This captain in the Army, an engineer none-the-less, talked to my (then) 6 year old brother for half an hour about lasers and weapons and science and light and who knows what.

Wyatt was in heaven. And so were mom and I. I basically decided that I wanted to marry him. Wyatt is my kid - he's my baby. Any man who treats him with that patience and enthusiasm and love the first time he meets him - that's someone I could spend my life with.So, Lewis kind of became a family friend. He would come in to the shop on Thursdays and hangout with Wyatt and Garrett, and I would see and talk to him most other mornings as well. We (my family and I) decided we were keeping him, whether he actually decided to pursue me or not.

Both of us ended up seeing\going out with other people during the summer. He stopped coming in the shop as much, and I went to serve at Camp. But, this August he started coming in again. And we started hanging out. He took my whole family out to dinner, him and Garrett and I went to the gun range, we all went out for froyo. One night, while fishing, he asked me (very concerned) if he had ever sent me mixed signals. I basically said yes. But then I explained that I didn't think he meant to. He'd been referring to me as his little sister, but my mom (and good friend Angie) kept telling me how interested he was in me (which was apparently evident in his actions). So I told him that the mixed signals\emotions that I was receiving\feeling were probably not his fault. All he got out of it was that my mom and Angie had been approaching our friendship as if there was a possibility for a relationship there.

Silly boy. Of course there was.

He was texting me about it on my drive home, and called Angie to talk to her about her thoughts (keep in mind its 11pm at this point). After talking through the idea with Angie, he called me and talked until 12. He said he wanted to take a few days to pray about it, and that he just had no idea that I was interested and that this was an option.

Well. No one had an idea that I was interested, except for my mom and Angie. I didn't think it was going to happen, so I just didn't talk about it. Anyways, after texting Angie for about 30 minutes, I got 3 hours of sleep before getting up and going to work. He took a few days, asked a few people he respected for their thoughts, prayed a ton, and took me on a real date. We spent a couple days hanging out and talking through how it would work logically (he is 9 years older than me, and was getting ready to leave in a month to be stationed at Ft. Drum, and we just weren't sure if this was God's timing or plan). On Saturday we took a road trip to Pensacola to see Angie and her husband Casey, and when we sat down in his truck he declared that we should call our relationship what it was - a relationship. We would figure out the ins and outs and timing and logical side. But we wanted to be together, and we both felt peace about it and each other.

I called mom while he was pumping gas and basically told her, "He finally caught up with the rest of us." :)

So, on this Saturday we will have been dating for a month. He is so so good to me. He respects me, he cherishes me, he prays over me and for me constantly, he asks me daily if there is anything he could be doing to make me feel more loved, he brings me chocolate, he makes me laugh, he loves my family, he respects my dad, he wants to spend every second with me, he makes me feel comfortable and safe and secure, he makes me want to love Christ more every day, he teaches me and is patient with me and loves me. He is wonderful. And every one should be jealous, because I got the best one. :) He is an excellent leader and speaker, he is smart and intentional and gentle with his words and actions. I absolutely don't deserve him. God is SO so good to me. He is the ultimate provider. He loves us more than we could ever love each other. He provided this relationship to make us stronger and more Christ-like, and our prayer is that He would be glorified in every thing we say and do.

So, ladies, girls, females - though I stand by my previous statement (that I got the best one) there are indeed men worth holding out for! :) Some of you might find that shocking, but I now know it to be true. Please, please, please - don't settle. There are men who will plan, for months, a surprise vow renewal for your 20th wedding anniversary. Who will call their middle daughter every day for weeks with a new idea and a question about progress on said surprise. And there are men who will want to protect your heart and love you like Christ.

Wait. Its worth it.

 

 

Alana Rose

Alana Rose Reimer

August 5th, 2015

11:25 am

7lbs. 10 oz.

20 in. long

 

 

She's got her mama's fat earlobes and hairy monkey head.

Its perfect.

 



Fingers so wrinkly you'll think she's part elephant.

 

Being an auntie is my favorite thing, and these two little perfect kiddos my sister has had make it so easy to love.

 

Darling Rose girl, I simply cannot wait to watch you grow up. To see your personality develop, to learn what you like and don't like. I am so very excited for your future - you have so much to experience and learn. I'll try not to call you hairy monkey baby for long, and I will eventually stop pointing out your perfectly chubby earlobes and wrinkly, wrinkly fingers. I didn't know I had enough room in my heart to love you this much - especially after your big brother basically stole the whole thing. I'm going to need more than one I think, if your mom keeps having perfect children. I cannot wait for you to get to know our Father, to love Him and learn about who He is and His love for you. You are sweet and precious and cherished and beautiful. Life is tough, but you're going to knock it out of the park. I love you more than I can express.

CV 2015, a.k.a nanny life.

Camp Victory has been my home for a while. Years. It is somewhere I am safe and comfortable and confident. Surrounded by friends who have become family, and a staff that has been essential to my growth in Christ. A while back I was really torn between committing to work this summer and staying in town for the job I'm in-love with. My boss was super gracious in telling me to follow the Lord, and do what I needed to - my job would be here when I got back. So after prayer and many conversations, I decided to go. But not as a counselor, and not for the whole summer. I would be filling a new position (the official title being 'Assistant to the Office Assistant'), for the month of July. Essentially a glorified nanny. :) I was excited! Catching tadpoles, watching Tom & Jerry, playing in kiddie pools and mud and doing what a 5 and 3 year old boy would do. That was my job description. Definitely something I can handle. But somewhere in my heart impatience was growing. And as much as a blessing as those two sweet boys can be, my sweet Savior has been teaching me and trying to grow my stubborn heart. I miss home so much when I'm gone (only a week at a time!), the coffee shop, my family. I struggle to pour my energy into the boys and focus on being with them, because I keep wanting to be somewhere else. It doesn't help that I don't see the other staff members nearly as much. But. Its now the end of week 7, tomorrow will begin week 8, technically the end of my second week and beginning of my third. And the longer I'm there, the better it gets. I'm half way through my time there, and I'm starting to feel emotional about it ending! I'm ready, don't get me wrong. But, I'm not completely joyful about it either. Its bittersweet, and that's good. As usual Jesus has been so faithful to me, so consistent and gracious. He has been right next to me through every struggle my heart has had. Shocker. :)

So here's to the next two weeks!

 

Also, I took these pictures of my gorgeous sister and her pregnant belly. So excited to meet my niece. She's going to be a beaut.  

 

She's a wonderful mom.

The Never-ending Story

The unanswered question, the continual desire, the ultimate idea.

Africa.

Or maybe better phrased: Africa?

Or even: China? Scotland? Please some other country than America, and some other purpose than making lattes (this is a joke, because I rather enjoy my job)?

 

I know that missions is the Lord's will. I know that I am financially and physically capable of going. I know I have the time, the desire, and the support system. I know that I love the Lord and want to do His will. I know that I would be well within His will by going and doing. But, as I am learning, there is a difference between being in the Lord's will and in the Lord's plan. And I want so badly to stay in the Lord's plan.

 

So then, I ask myself all the time, why cant I go?

So then, I ask my Father, why aren't You letting me?

 

I could, very easily, fill out an application and jump on a plane. But, every time I get close to doing so, my sweet gracious amazing Christ says gently, "No. Not yet." Ok then, when? Why not now? What am I doing here? 

 

These questions, however, are not answered. The only answer I am given is, "Stay still. Learn contentment. I have provided for you thus far, and I will continue to. Be faithful in what I have given you for this step. Forget what society thinks and expects. Focus in on Me alone, and be faithful, beloved."

 

Which, if we are going to be honest here, is more than I could ever possibly deserve. The God of the universe is concerned enough with my struggles and my heartache that He time and time and freaking time again tells me lovingly to stop and be still. How could I have become so cold to that? So accustomed to knowing what He is speaking into my life that I forget how completely incredible it is - no matter what He is actually saying! Oh, to be loved and cherished by such a patient Creator and Lord in this way. Its my favorite thing ever. :)

 

Sweet words from a dear friend last night spoke very clearly to my heart, and directly into this situation: "Stay the course." Stay on the path, keep sight of the goal, continue one step at a time, be faithful in each day.

 

I am still frustrated. I feel stuck some days. Alright, lets not kid, sometimes its most days. I am antsy, and discontent. But, I'm beginning to believe those are the very reasons I am still here. He is still teaching me and growing me. So, like Mumford & Sons said very repetitively: I will wait. And I will (try) to learn to love the skies I'm under. (Also Mumford, sorry, I'm on a roll...)

 

"Drudgery is the test of genuine character. ... I must realize that my obedience even in the smallest detail of life has all the omnipotent power of the grace of God behind it." Oswald Chambers

 

"Spiritual desires are the shadows of coming blessing. What God intends to give us He first sets us longing for. Hence the wonderful efficiency of prayer, because prayer is the embodiment of a longing inspired of God because He intends to bestow blessing. What are thy longings then, dear hearer?" - Charles Spurgeon