A year ago on
September 21st I found out I was losing mine and Lewis’ first
precious baby. And this week, processing that anniversary, has been more
difficult than I was prepared for. I really really believed that I would be
pregnant again within a year. Lewis being gone for the last 7 months has kind
of put a wrench in that plan, but it hit me really hard that its been an entire
year, and I’ve made zero steps in the direction of my purpose and desire. And
to top that off, Lewis and I did get to spend a weekend together, and there was
a real possibility of me getting pregnant in Sweden. Believe you me that
possibility was prayed for earnestly. But God said no. And I threw a little bit
of a temper tantrum. So I’ve spent the last week processing that temper tantrum,
sin that I’ve allowed to build up in my heart, how I feel vs. what I know to be
true, and missing my baby desperately. These are those thoughts written down,
hopefully in a way that encourages someone, or shines the light of the goodness
and grace of God to His children.
I can’t remember ever
wanting to be anything other than a mom. I’m sure I had stage where I wanted to
be a vet, and I thought about becoming a nurse at one point, but nothing ever trumped
my desire to become a mom. To the point of deciding I was going to move to
Africa to raise babies in an orphanage if God didn’t send me a husband. I
believe the desire to be a mom is a good, godly thing. Children are a blessing
and motherhood is a blessing, and a calling. But they can also become an idol,
and this week I realized that I have let them.
I prayed and prayed
before I left for Sweden that God would bless us with a baby. I thought the
timing would be perfect. I day dreamed about how I would tell Lewis, I thought
about how awesome and hard and healing it would be to find out I was pregnant
almost exactly a year after miscarriage. But, shortly after getting home, it
was made very clear that I was not pregnant. God said no to my prayers. I was
heartbroken. Here I had all of this faith and hope, and He was just going to
say no? Why?
Now I know all of the
obvious answers to this. I’m only 20. Lewis and I haven’t really even had time
to try. God makes people wait so much longer sometimes. Sarah waited 25 years.
Plenty of my friends have waited years upon years. I’ve barely scratched the
surface of waiting and truly being broken by this specific trial. But even in
that surface layer, there was so much distrust in my heart. I was caught off
guard by my own sinful thoughts and doubts, and my inability to change what I was
feeling when I know the truth. I didn’t realize how deep this idol has been
rooted in my heart. I didn’t even realize it was an idol.
Which, of course, was
why He said no.
What if God continues
to say no? Is He still good?
What if He allows me
to carry his child for only 8 weeks again and again and again? Is He still
sovereign and loving?
What will my response
be when His will is so different from my desires and my will that I am
heartbroken and confused?
Will I still follow,
will I still say ‘Your will be done’?
Will I trust Him when
He slays me?
Will I praise Him and
bring Him glory, or continue to throw my temper tantrum?
My mind wants to say
yes to all of these so badly, but my heart hurts with the weight.
Jesus revealed to me
3 major areas of my heart that are out of line this week. My identity and worth
- and where I chose to find my purpose. What I believe prayer is and how I
believe it works. And what trusting God’s goodness unconditionally looks like.
Or rather, what it doesn’t look like.
I lose sight of grace
all the time. I try so hard to please God. I work so hard to intentionally love
Him and make Him love me that I forget that He already does. Unconditionally.
Simply because He does. Because I am His. That is my identity. I am a child of God,
loved by Love. Jesus gently reminded me of this and revealed my faulty thinking
through Matt Chandler’s newest series ‘Marked’, and these are a collection of
quotes from the first sermon in that series: “Abraham and Sarah were desperate
and dependent - but God was able. It was God who grew them into their names. It
was not their effort or pushing or discipline. … He’s saying [in Matthew
5:13-16] ‘You are the salt. You are the light. That true about you now, but you’re
going to grow in your saltiness and your brightness. Its going to take place
over a period of time, and its going to take place immersed in a community of
saints who understand most fully what we just learned above – namely that we
are fallen, broken people in need of grace, a savior, and a safe place to be
honest and vulnerable about where we actually are. … The God of the universe
just said, ‘You are salt.’ So now what I experience is grace without shame.
That’s my first experience if God has named me and will make me what He named
me. I’m already salt. I can’t see I’m salt, because I want to be more salty
than I am. God’s promise is ‘You’re salt right now, whether you see it or not
and I’m going to make you more so.’ The key is to rest in who God called me.”
That is my identity and my worth. And my purpose is to serve and follow as He
makes me brighter and more salty. I asked someone I love dearly ‘what am I supposed
to do if He tells me ‘no’ for 25 years?’ What do I do in the mean time, what’s
my purpose? Their response was, “To do what He put in front of you. To be
faithful where you are. To love the people around you.” I can rest in that. I
will need to continually be reminded of it – but I can rest in it.
So, on to prayer. I
have seriously misaligned what prayer means. I tried to use it to twist God’s
will to my own, and that is literally entirely backwards. “The very name of God
is holy. So you’re recognizing His place right there at the beginning [of your
prayer]. Prayer at the inception is the idea of recognition. You are now
submitting your mind, soul, and purpose to God in terms of Him being Father,
you being a child, Him being hallowed & holy, and you not so much.
Everything we ask is subservient to His will.“ –Abdu Murray. Prayer is to align
my will to God’s. To align my heart to His. To soften my heart to wanting His
will above my own, and trusting His goodness above all else, no matter the pain
or discomfort, because He simply is just good.
Which leads me to the
3rd thing the Holy Spirit gracious revealed about my sinful heart
this week: distrusting God. I really thought I learned this lesson last year
when He took Bean, but no part of my heart trusted His goodness when I found
out, after praying and having faith and hope, that I wasn’t pregnant after Sweden.
I totally doubted His plan and His goodness and faithfulness to me. So I went
back to the same resources I used to help me through miscarriage last year, to
teach my heart the same truths again. “To murmur against God and question His goodness
is indeed sin. We should work as diligently in trusting God’s love as we do in
obeying His commands. God’s love is an objective truth that cannot be
contradicted but it is a truth that we must store away in our minds and hearts.
Then we must use it, in the midst of adversity, to deal with our doubts, to
combat the accusations of Satan, and to glorify God by trusting Him.”
I felt so discouraged
about what I perceived as failures in my heart. How could I have not learned
the lessons He was teaching me last year? How am I still struggling through the
same things? How is my heart this disgusting and disappointing? How do I know
these things with my brain, tell them to other people even, and not really
truly believe them in my heart? Why does my heart just want to scream and cry
and be angry about God’s perfect will and timing and goodness to me?
“O Lord,
you have searched me and known me! 2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from
afar. 3 You search out my path and my lying down and
are acquainted with all my ways. 4 Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.”
He knew before I did. He saw the parts of my heart that weren’t submitting to
His grace. He knew how I would react. He knows that it will take me more than a
year to learn how to trust His goodness and faithfulness. He loves me enough to
know all of this intimately and show me.
To reveal to me my wickedness, and to use what He already knows will trigger
me, to lovingly draw it out. To teach me how to trust Him, how to pray, and to
always remind me of my true identity and purpose. And that is incredible,
incredible grace.
So, in a years time I have come to a deeper
understanding of how wicked I am and how good and gracious God is to me. He
loves me unconditionally, and I cannot the depth of it.
I cried the whole
time I wrote this. My heart is so tangled up in my desire for children and
motherhood and my desire to submit to Christ and seek His will first that I
cant separate them by myself, and asking Him to is proving to be painful. But
we are never promised easy or simple or pain free. We are promised grace, and a
fresh start every morning.
Oh Jesus, help me to submissively
say it is well, even when I don’t feel like it is.
“In acceptance lieth peace,
O my heart be still;
Let thy restless worries cease
And accept His will.
Though this test be not thy choice,
It is His -- therefore rejoice.
O my heart be still;
Let thy restless worries cease
And accept His will.
Though this test be not thy choice,
It is His -- therefore rejoice.
In
His plan there cannot be
Aught to make thee sad:
If this is His choice for thee,
Take it and be glad.
Make from it some lovely thing
To the glory of thy King.
Aught to make thee sad:
If this is His choice for thee,
Take it and be glad.
Make from it some lovely thing
To the glory of thy King.
Cease
from sighs and murmuring,
Sing His loving grace,
This thing means thy furthering
To a wealthy place.
From thy fears He'll give release,
In acceptance lieth peace.”
Sing His loving grace,
This thing means thy furthering
To a wealthy place.
From thy fears He'll give release,
In acceptance lieth peace.”
Hannah
Hurnard
“Acceptance
is taking from God’s hand absolutely anything He chooses to give us, looking up
into His face in love and trust, even in thanksgiving. Acceptance is knowing
that the confines of the hedge of our particular struggle are good. Even
perfect. However painful they may be, simply because He Himself has given them.
Acceptance is the key that unlocks the door to contentment. Contentment is not
the end of your desires, but it is the place where you may deal with your
desires in a way that pleases God.”
Oh my sweet precious baby. Momma loves you so much. I can't believe its been a year since I had to say goodbye. I miss carrying your sweet little life every single day, but I look forward to one day finally meeting you, and getting to hold you again. I am so filled with peace and joy even in my sadness, because I know we are both being held by Jesus. My heart aches, but that ache means that I am a mom and I love you, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
- Momma
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