Being Transparent.

"Brokenness, brokenness, is what I long for. Brokenness, brokenness is what I need."

The familiar words were sung with enthusiasm last Sunday, as inside I prayed "Yes, Lord, brokenness. Because how can I serve You otherwise?" And then I spoke the words I have so often spoken the past few years: Mold me, make me.

How quickly you can build up a façade for yourself. How easy it is for me to totally fake something I am so accustomed to. How simple it seems to speak, pray, and sing words that are empty. I did not really want brokenness. I did not really want to submit, and be molded to Christ's character. I wanted to feel righteous, and put in the effort I thought was needed in order to feel fulfilled for the week. So I could check off my little mental box.

How surprised was I when things around me started to break. When my character was questioned, when I was forced to examine my heart, when relationships were altered,  and when I suddenly realized the false face I had been wearing all week.

How quickly did deception set in. How easily did I allow it. How afraid am I of the sin in my very own heart.

A follower of my blog asked me on Wednesday when I would be writing a new post. Apparently he has virtually no life, and has been waiting. ;) I struggled since then with what to write, knowing what I needed to face but unwilling to admit my failure. Lines from the aforementioned song ran through my head over and over again as I tried to think of another idea -- ANY other idea. Being honest and vulnerable is terrifying. But, I would contend, absolutely necessary.

So, sweet human reading this: be vulnerable. Speak out. When you struggle - talk about it. When you see yourself begin to slip - admit it. Reach out before you close up and get stuck inside your own sinful heart. And remember that you can always always always turn around. Turn back and run with enthusiasm toward Christ. Because He can use the brokenness you find yourself in. He alone can make it beautiful. He wants to, beloved. He wants your brokenness, your shame, your sin, your mistakes - because He is going to use them to glorify Himself in ways you can't imagine.

I found myself tired of putting forth effort. I wanted to be lazy and uncaring in my relationships. I was done with actually trying to have meaningful, edifying ones. And I was frustrated with how hard it seemed to be to maintain a growing one with Christ. The time and strength and desire it needed I no longer wanted to muster. So, I read my Streams in the Desert, and some little devotional about Elisha. But I wasn't trying. I was just doing it out of guilt. I am so shocked, sitting here writing this, at the state my heart was in. And I am also surprised at how quickly things can change. How great one week can be compared to the next.

Grace is my favorite thing. Fresh starts and beginning again completely clean every time I realize and admit and walk away from my failure. Yes, relationships take effort. The best ones take the most. Time invested is necessary, and can be immensely enjoyable with the right mindset.

Aside from Christ I am nothing. I am continually amazed by His forgiveness and unfailing love.

How, Father, do You have the patience to time and time again pick me up - knowing that I will end up in the same place yet again? How do You truly forgive me for sinning against you - while still knowing it will happen again? How do You love me, with so much sin still in my heart? How do You see Your Son in this corrupt human? Thank you, thank you, thank you. For grace and a new beginning today and tomorrow and the next day. Thank you for teaching me, and bringing me back into Your presence through breaking me down. Mold me, make me. There is a heart willing to change behind those words this time. A heart that belongs to You, and is overjoyed by Your presence.

"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my concerns. See if there is any offensive way in me; lead me in the everlasting way."

College? What?

"So…didn't you graduate? What school are you going to? Are you taking online classes? You're going to college eventually, right?"

 

People look at me strange when I tell them I'm not going to college, and even stranger when I tell them that as of this moment - I have no plans to. When did it become socially unacceptable to NOT go to college? When did it become the norm to go and spend tens of thousands of dollars on school, only to (in most cases I know of) never use the degree? Yes, college is *wonderful* for some people. I have several friends going, and loving it and enjoying it, and learning so much. Why has it has been so incredibly difficult to stand alone, and stay behind, and choose something different? I doubt myself constantly. I struggle with concerns that I wont be successful, that I'm wasting time, that I wont be smart enough to support myself, that I just have no direction, that my intentions for staying home were wrong. I have cried and stressed over my decision quite a lot. I did not make it out of laziness, and I have come to the conclusion that I am absolutely not wasting my time. I am waiting on the Lord. And learning patience - which is a painful process. My biggest fear is that I will grow complacent and lazy, and that I will begin to ignore the Lord calling me to move. But I am trying to train my mind and heart to take life one day at a time. To have goals is a good thing, and I do have goals, but I cannot control where my life goes AT ALL - and I DON’T want to! I  want to be ready to jump the minute He says to, and until then I will continue struggling through being patient with Him. I get so wrapped up in my own idea of timing, and how short life is, and how time sensitive most decisions are. I forget that He literally created me from nothing, and for some reason He loves me. He does care, He is paying attention. He has this incredible perfect plan, and I'm so anxious to start living it I forget that I'm living it RIGHT NOW. In this moment, in the season I'm in. I'm not living for the future. No part of it is in my control. I am in charge of doing what I can and know that I need to do with the time given to me in THIS moment. In THIS day.

That being said, I'll fill you in on what I AM doing. While I was praying through the decision to stay home after graduation I was called by the man who is now both my boss and pastor, and offered a job at his coffee shop. If you knew me at all then, you would know how ecstatic I was. This is the coffee shop that I adore, that I always dreamed about working at. I wanted to be the cute little barista on the other side of the counter who could whip you up the perfect latte. Still, I didn't say yes right away. I took a day or two to talk to my parents and pray about it, knowing that this would mean staying home for at least a little while longer. I called Stephen back, let him know about my summer plans to work at Camp Victory, and he was willing to work with me. He offered me the 'extra person' morning shift on the weeks I was home, with the probability of moving to afternoons in the fall. Let me tell you - that job has been the biggest blessing, and having Stephen as a boss has been wonderful. He is gracious and encouraging, and has set the standard for bosses very high. Like I said, I worked mornings first (during which I got to know the hilarious, fantastic, lovely Bekah) and then I moved to afternoons. I was a little upset about the shift change at first (its slower and friendless) but it has actually been awesome. I have 4 hours set aside every day with not much going on, and I have grown closer to the Lord through Bible study in that time than I ever thought I would.

 

I also volunteer. When I first talked to mom about not going to college, she had 2 conditions. I was not allowed to sit at home, and she really wanted me to find volunteer work. So, I called a couple places in Dothan to see what my options were. I wanted to be a part of Girls Inc. (an after school program for girls) but had also called Wiregrass Hope Group as my backup. Mom and I took a morning to go and talk to the people in charge of both organizations and pick up applications. Because I was more excited about Girls Inc., we looked for it first. However, for some reason mom took the wrong turn and we ended up closer to WHG - so we stopped there first. We walked in at an awkward time, and a lady who does not usually catch the door greeted us. She had the best sense of humor and immediately set me at ease. It just so happened that she (Sharon) was a member of the church we had been visiting the past few Sundays. And it just so happened that they just lost one of their consistent volunteers because she graduated and Sharon had been praying for someone to fill her spot. AND it just so happened that there was a huge annual event coming up that she would need help with. And then, when I've already pretty much decided that God is all but slapping me in the face with 'coincidences', we went to take a tour of the building and who turns the corner but someone from Camp Victory. He is a pastor in Dothan who came to camp as a speaker, and also volunteers his time at WHG. As mom and I walked out to the van I looked at her and said, "Wow. This is were I need to be. Let's go home." I have gotten so close to the ladies there, and it has been awesome to have such Godly women interested in talking to me and praying for me and encouraging me.

 

So in the mornings I'm at Wiregrass, doing whatever they need me too (which ranges from building shelves and changing tables to burning paper or writing thank-you notes), and in the afternoons I'm at Boldly Going drinking way too much coffee and making money while I read my Bible. The Lord has been SO gracious. He is the ultimate provider. I am so confused as to why He loves me, and why He cares, but so inexpressibly thankful that He does. I frequently lose hope. I frequently doubt and get angry, And EVERY TIME He is faithful in reminding me of my purpose. Reminding me that my perspective is miniscule, reminding me that life is not what I think it is. He forgives me so willingly, and grows me so tenderly.

I do not have plans for the next year. I'm still trying to decide what I'm doing this summer. But everything this past year has seriously been handed to me. God made it obvious this year where I was supposed to be, what I was supposed to be doing, and who I was supposed to be around. Because of that - I am waiting. I am waiting to follow His direct order, even if it takes longer than I thought it would. I will continue to deal with strange looks, and constant questions about college. I will try to doubt Him less often, and submit more often. He has provided everything for me to be where I am right now. And until He tells me to move, this is where I am. Working and growing and learning more about His character and my sinful nature, and how to be obedient, and what it means to be patient with God.

 

Please do not think that you offended me if you asked me about my future. I know that it is a question meant out of love and genuine curiosity, and that any suggestions you gave where for the same reasons. Which is why I will continue to answer as best I can. I only get frustrated when college is made to sound like my only option, because I KNOW that it isn't. It is simply ONE option. And, quite frankly, the last one on my list.

 

And if you are struggling with deciding if you should go to college or not - pray about it. Ask God to graciously open doors and make it obvious to you where you should go. For some, college is definitely the answer. But if you know it isn't - do not listen to the world for one millisecond. You follow Christ, which means laying down your life and going directly against the culture and the norm. Own it. :)

 

 

And please, continue to pray for me. Pray that God would make His plan obvious, and that my stubborn spirit wouldn't hinder it. Pray that I will use my time of waiting wisely, and that I will be ready when He says, "Ok, Shelby. This is it. Jump."

Isaiah 55:8-9
2Corinthians 12:9
Proverbs 3:5-6
Psalm 27:14

Panacea \\ Beach

We took a field trip to Panacea, Florida - to the Gulf Specimen Marine Lab. We were able to help catch crabs, that were then sent to National Geographic for research:

 

 

We looked at all kinds of new fish:

 

And touched\held numerous crabs:

 

We, unfortunately, didn't get to feed the sharks, but it was fun to watch our tour guide do it:

 

We held star fish,

 

and saw sea horses:

 

We watched octopuses fight over dinner,

 

and I fell in-love with how cute they were:

 

Then there were more crabs. By the handful. Literally.

 

The sting ray ended up having a thing for Garrett,

 

which was returned enthusiastically:

 

This one is NOT a sea creature. But he was my favorite:

 

I held a (dead) jelly fish.

 

And then we went to the beach for the afternoon. :)

 

I love you Paw-Paw! :)

4th o'July

 

The monkey, caged in.

 

 

The Americanadian.

 

Gramma love.

 

8 months! 

 

Also, leaves are yummy.

Busy Day

 

Lots of fun things happened today. First there was a pool...

 

 

...with water and splashing...

 

(even though he seemed to be very confused by the whole thing).

 

Some puppy kisses happened.

 

Then there were fireman helmets,

 

(which are yummy)

 

and fire trucks,

 

and mommy and daddy fighting with plastic.

 

Auntie Shelby's new favorite picture. Ever.

 

First time on a horse - and Chuck Norris was there!!

 

It was a pretty great day. He is now sleeping soundly, resting up for more fun tomorrow. :)