Married Life.

Marriage is much messier than I expected.
And John Legend knows more about it than I ever gave him credit for.

I've been trying to figure out for a few weeks now what to write about. I wanted to be vulnerable about marriage and what I'm learning, but I couldn't put it into words. And this morning I was all emotional and listening to emotional girl music while I got ready for the day, and John Legend's "All of Me" came on. A song I've heard a thousand times, and can sing along to almost word for word. But I didn't realize how beautifully accurate it was. I'll post some lyrics to give you an example: 

"What would I do without your smart mouth? Drawing me in, and you kicking me 

out. You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down. What's going on in that 

beautiful mind? I'm on your magical mystery ride, And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright." 

I realized this morning that this must be exactly how Lewis feels. On a daily basis. So in love with me, and so very utterly confused at the same time. But the weird thing is that this is how I feel about myself also! My guess is as good as his most days. I thought I knew myself so much better than I do. I thought I was so much more prepared for this than I was. 

Marriage is teaching me so much about myself, is what I'm rambling on about. And I didnt expect that, really. My heart is so confusing. I'm hot and then cold, and upset for no reason I can think of, and annoyed, and mad at myself. And when I'm mad and annoyed with myself, obviously I blame my husband who is dying to himself daily to love me better.
Because that makes the most sense.
Right?

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?

To be totally vulnerable - I have had moments of complete brokenness. I have sobbed in this man's arms more in the past two months than I ever have in such a short time before. One of my favorite parts of this song says, "My head's under water, But I'm breathing fine. You're crazy and I'm out of my mind."I laugh almost every time I sing it. Because both of us must think we're crazy. I know I think I'm crazy. This is such a messy relationship. Its so extremely intimately close, so intense, so raw and real, and constant. And theres no way to prepare for it, or have it figured out, or always be logical and patient (unless you're my husband, but I'm pretty sure he is definitely one of a kind). 

I have gone through so much self doubt and insecurity, and communication shut downs. I have been face-to-face with so many ugly, gross, sinful parts of my heart. I am learning so much about what I really actually deeply believe about God's character, personality, and grace. 

I'm not saying that everyone goes through this. I could definitely be the only one, because I actually am an emotional mess most days. Even before marriage. But, I do know that without a doubt, everyone will tell you, marriage is hard. Its beautiful and worth it, and hard and breaks you as it builds you. 

"'Cause all of me, loves all of you. Love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections. Give your all to me - I'll give my all to you. You're my end and my beginning, Even when I lose I'm winning. 'Cause I give you all of me, And you give me all of you."

For better, or more often some weeks, worse. We're committed. All of me loves him. And all of him loves me, even when I make his head spin. And we're figuring it out, and figuring me out slowly on our way. "Risking it all though its hard."