Why am I not enough?
This question has been racing through my head for weeks now. It has, at times during this current trial, consumed me. Why? What about me isn't enough? What should I change? How can I fix myself and be better? Phrase it how you will - it has been eating me alive. It has seeped into every crevice of my heart as I have let Satan speak lies and pride into my life.
Why am I not enough?
I would very much like to play victim sometimes. I want to be allowed to feel hurt and offended. And while there are times when those feelings are totally justified - how much more beautiful is it to praise Christ? To turn our hearts to Him. Not to ourselves. To look up and out and not revel in our hurt. I have allowed myself too long to live in this sadness. To question my worth in other peoples eyes. How prideful I have been. I have put focus on myself instead of bringing glory to God by praising in the refining fire He lovingly sends!
Why am I not enough?
The root of this question is not actually about questioning myself. It is the manifestation of my heart asking 'Why is Christ not enough?' And oh what a dangerous, prideful question to ask. A question that steals God's glory, and causes doubt in others.
Here is the answer.
Simply because: I am NOT enough.
I'm not. And the moment I would start thinking I am is the moment I no longer rely on Christ. When has the Word ever said we are enough? We can do nothing good enough to cover our sin, we cannot have righteousness apart from God, and we can have no relationship with God apart from His perfect Son, Jesus Christ. We aren't enough. And we never will be. And guess what?
Here's the mic drop.
Because. It's. Not. About. Us.
Its not about our hurt, or our trial, or our heart, or our life, or our anything. Our lives are about loving Christ, and bringing God glory. The end.
The moment we put the focus on ourselves, is the moment we let Satan win. We let him get in our minds, and speak into our lives. We take the focus off of Christ, and Christ's sacrifice and love and grace and forgiveness and power. How heartbreaking to realize.
Trials produce character and help to conform our hard stubborn hearts into the heart of Christ. They make us depend on God, trust Him, truly worship Him, and love Him and others more deeply. They are gifts. They are messy, hard, beautiful gifts. Praise God! Oh, how He loves us. To desire so deeply to teach us and change us and help us to grow. To send refining fire. Great is His faithfulness!
I am weary. I am hurt.
But I am so thankful.
So thankful that God loves me so extremely much. To be patient with me while I struggle through self doubt. To gently refocus my mind. To glorify Himself in my life. In my life. He wants to use me?! He is slowly, and painfully, making every part of my heart bow the knee. He is good, good Father. And I am astounded by His faithful love.
So, loved one, you are not enough. But praise God for that! Because He is. And He uses your weakness to show His strength and provision. How loving and awesome is that?
P.S.
Can I just say that I'm marrying the coolest, Godliest man like ever? He is so so good, and loves me like Christ loves the church. He is so patient and encouraging and faithful. He protects me, and stands up for my heart, and leads me with such grace that I can only admire him and praise God for the fruit of His faithfulness to us. Lewis, babe, you are a good and Godly man, and I cannot wait to be your wife, and serve this awesome Father alongside you.
Isaiah 26:3
"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You."
Psalm 18:28-30
"For it is You who lights my lamp, the Lord my God lightens my darkness. For by You I can run against a troop, and by God I can leap over a wall. This God - His way is perfect. The Word of the Lord proves true. He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him."
Isaiah 43:1-2
"But now thus says the Lord, He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you."
Isaiah 43:1-2
"But now thus says the Lord, He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you."
