"So…didn't you
graduate? What school are you going to? Are you taking online classes? You're
going to college eventually, right?"
People look at me
strange when I tell them I'm not going to college, and even stranger when I
tell them that as of this moment - I have no plans to. When did it become
socially unacceptable to NOT go to college? When did it become the norm to go
and spend tens of thousands of dollars on school, only to (in most cases I know
of) never use the degree? Yes, college is *wonderful* for some people. I have
several friends going, and loving it and enjoying it, and learning so much. Why has it has been so incredibly difficult to stand alone, and stay behind, and choose
something different? I doubt myself constantly. I struggle with concerns that I
wont be successful, that I'm wasting time, that I wont be smart enough to
support myself, that I just have no direction, that my intentions for staying
home were wrong. I have cried and stressed over my decision quite a lot. I did
not make it out of laziness, and I have come to the conclusion that I am
absolutely not wasting my time. I am waiting on the Lord. And learning patience
- which is a painful process. My biggest fear is that I will grow complacent
and lazy, and that I will begin to ignore the Lord calling me to move. But I am
trying to train my mind and heart to take life one day at a time. To have goals
is a good thing, and I do have goals, but I cannot control where my life goes
AT ALL - and I DON’T want to! I want to
be ready to jump the minute He says to, and until then I will continue
struggling through being patient with Him. I get so wrapped up in my own idea
of timing, and how short life is, and how time sensitive most decisions are. I
forget that He literally created me from nothing,
and for some reason He loves me. He does care, He is paying attention. He has
this incredible perfect plan, and I'm so anxious to start living it I forget that
I'm living it RIGHT NOW. In this moment, in the season I'm in. I'm not living for
the future. No part of it is in my control. I am in charge of doing what I can
and know that I need to do with the time given to me in THIS moment. In THIS
day.
That being said,
I'll fill you in on what I AM doing. While I was praying through the decision
to stay home after graduation I was called by the man who is now both my boss and
pastor, and offered a job at his coffee shop. If you knew me at all then, you
would know how ecstatic I was. This is the coffee shop that I adore, that I
always dreamed about working at. I wanted to be the cute little barista on the
other side of the counter who could whip you up the perfect latte. Still, I
didn't say yes right away. I took a day or two to talk to my parents and pray
about it, knowing that this would mean staying home for at least a little while
longer. I called Stephen back, let him know about my summer plans to work at
Camp Victory, and he was willing to work with me. He offered me the 'extra
person' morning shift on the weeks I was home, with the probability of moving
to afternoons in the fall. Let me tell you - that job has been the biggest
blessing, and having Stephen as a boss has been wonderful. He is gracious and
encouraging, and has set the standard for bosses very high. Like I said, I worked mornings
first (during which I got to know the hilarious, fantastic, lovely Bekah) and
then I moved to afternoons. I was a little upset about the shift change at
first (its slower and friendless) but it has actually been awesome. I have 4
hours set aside every day with not much going on, and I have grown closer to
the Lord through Bible study in that time than I ever thought I would.
I also volunteer.
When I first talked to mom about not going to college, she had 2 conditions. I
was not allowed to sit at home, and she really wanted me to find volunteer
work. So, I called a couple places in Dothan to see what my options were. I
wanted to be a part of Girls Inc. (an after school program for girls) but had
also called Wiregrass Hope Group as my backup. Mom and I took a morning to go
and talk to the people in charge of both organizations and pick up applications. Because I was more
excited about Girls Inc., we looked for it first. However, for some reason mom
took the wrong turn and we ended up closer to WHG - so we stopped there first.
We walked in at an awkward time, and a lady who does not usually catch the door
greeted us. She had the best sense of humor and immediately set me at ease. It
just so happened that she (Sharon) was a member of the church we had been visiting the
past few Sundays. And it just so happened that they just lost one of their
consistent volunteers because she graduated and Sharon had been praying for
someone to fill her spot. AND it just so happened that there was a huge annual
event coming up that she would need help with. And then, when I've already
pretty much decided that God is all but slapping me in the face with
'coincidences', we went to take a tour of the building and who turns the corner
but someone from Camp Victory. He is a pastor in Dothan who came to camp as a
speaker, and also volunteers his time at WHG. As mom and I walked out to the
van I looked at her and said, "Wow. This is were I need to be. Let's go
home." I have gotten so close to the ladies there, and it has been awesome
to have such Godly women interested in talking to me and praying for me and
encouraging me.
So in the mornings
I'm at Wiregrass, doing whatever they need me too (which ranges from building
shelves and changing tables to burning paper or writing thank-you notes), and
in the afternoons I'm at Boldly Going drinking way too much coffee and making money
while I read my Bible. The Lord has been SO gracious. He is the ultimate
provider. I am so confused as to why He loves me, and why He cares, but so
inexpressibly thankful that He does. I frequently lose hope. I frequently doubt
and get angry, And EVERY TIME He is faithful in reminding me of my purpose.
Reminding me that my perspective is miniscule, reminding me that life is not
what I think it is. He forgives me so willingly, and grows me so tenderly.
I do not have plans
for the next year. I'm still trying to decide what I'm doing this summer. But
everything this past year has seriously been handed to me. God made it obvious
this year where I was supposed to be, what I was supposed to be doing, and who
I was supposed to be around. Because of that - I am waiting. I am waiting to
follow His direct order, even if it takes longer than I thought it would. I
will continue to deal with strange looks, and constant questions about college.
I will try to doubt Him less often, and submit more often. He has provided
everything for me to be where I am right now. And until He tells me to move,
this is where I am. Working and growing and learning more about His character
and my sinful nature, and how to be obedient, and what it means to be patient
with God.
Please do not think
that you offended me if you asked me about my future. I know that it is a
question meant out of love and genuine curiosity, and that any suggestions you
gave where for the same reasons. Which is why I will continue to answer as best
I can. I only get frustrated when college is made to sound like my only option,
because I KNOW that it isn't. It is simply ONE option. And, quite frankly, the
last one on my list.
And if you are
struggling with deciding if you should go to college or not - pray about it.
Ask God to graciously open doors and make it obvious to you where you should
go. For some, college is definitely the answer. But if you know it isn't - do
not listen to the world for one millisecond. You follow Christ, which means
laying down your life and going directly against the culture and the norm. Own
it. :)
And
please, continue to pray for me. Pray that God would make His plan obvious, and
that my stubborn spirit wouldn't hinder it. Pray that I will use my time of
waiting wisely, and that I will be ready when He says, "Ok, Shelby. This is it. Jump."
Isaiah 55:8-9
2Corinthians 12:9
Proverbs 3:5-6
Psalm 27:14
